


only made of dust

by alwayswithatoneofsurprise



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Comforting, Gen, Nightmares, Slight pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 07:28:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4868312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwayswithatoneofsurprise/pseuds/alwayswithatoneofsurprise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Hydra, before the train, Bucky doesn't have the easiest time getting to sleep in the middle of a war, and when he does, he doesn't have the easiest time actually sleeping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	only made of dust

No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop it. It was happening again, just like it did last night, just like the night before, an endless cycle that he couldn’t escape from. There was nothing he could do to stop it, he travelled back there over and over again in his dreams. Dreams, distantly he knows what they are, distantly he knows that they aren’t real, but it feels more concrete, feels like reality, a reality that he cannot survive nor escape from, a reality where all control is lost and fear takes control.

Each night time shifted, it was different, it didn’t feel like a few minutes, a few hours, the days, the weeks dragged by, and he could feel the pain running through his veins, the loneliness, the disappear, the scream fresh on his lips. Upon waking he knew it was nothing more than a bad dream, but in it, it felt so much more than that. While he slept the images his mind conjured up were more than images, were more than a scene playing out in front of his eyes, every breath, every cut felt real, the pain coursing through him was real, it wasn’t a dream, it couldn’t be a memory, and yet it wasn’t reality. In reality he was safe in his bed, safe from Zola but he couldn’t remember that he was safe, because while he slept his dreams became reality and from then he had no escape.

Bucky doesn’t have good dreams anymore, he doesn’t even have good nights, hasn’t for too long now.

His nightmares are like his dreams, plagued and horrible.

The good nights are the ones he doesn’t sleep, the ones that he sits outside keeping watch, the nights that he walks around the outskirts of the camp keeping an eye out. The good nights are when he passes out from exhaustion and wakes with a hand on his shoulder telling him they need to get moving.

The bad nights are the ones he sleeps, and in his sleep he can’t save himself but more importantly he can’t save anyone else. All he can is suffer through it, there is no escape, it feels too real and it hurts too much.

“Bucky!” The voice is frantic yet firm, but not familiar. The word isn’t a question and yet it feels like one, he feels it seeks confirmation, confirmation that he cannot give, he isn’t sure who that is, isn’t sure who is calling that name so desperately.

In the tent, back in reality, Dum Dum’s fingertips dig into Bucky’s shoulders as he shakes him, trying to wake him, trying to pull him out his head. He isn’t usually the one who wakes him, normally it’s Gabe. Gabe’s voice usually pierces through Bucky’s dreams and pulls him out of his head, out of his nightmare and into the waking world where he is waiting to tell him he is safe. But Gabe isn’t here, so it’s Dum Dum who was pulling Bucky out, out into a world where Bucky didn’t have to be trapped in his dream, his reality, his nightmare.

“Bucky!” Pain continues to shoot through Bucky’s left side, he knows that his cheeks are wet with tears, knows that he was dragging fingers across calloused skin, knows that his mouth is open but his words silent. He knows the voice now, knows it’s Dum Dum, knows that he needs to wake up, and he is, he is crawling out of his head as fast as he can, but he’s slipping, his mind is dragging him back into the void as fast as it can, he needs an anchor, he needs-

“Bucky!” The voice is more desperate this time, not as loud but just as firm. Warm hands aren’t on shoulders any more they are wrapped around his wrists, preventing his movements, stilling his frantic hands, stopping his clawing fingers.

Dum Dum wants to shout, wants to wake up the whole damn camp if he has to, will do anything to wake Bucky up, to wipe that horrified expression clean off Bucky’s face. But he doesn’t shout, knows that Bucky doesn’t want anyone to know about the nightmares, doesn’t want to seem weak. He doesn’t sleep in the same tent as Steve anymore, didn’t want to bother him with his restless nights, not when Steve is so busy, not when he is finally happy, so he doesn’t mention the nightmares, and tries his best to hide them from everyone else too.

“Bu-” Dum Dum starts again, words freezing as Bucky’s eyes flash open, wide with fright as his body continues to shake desperately. Wrists dropped, hands curl around Dum Dum’s arms, holding onto him as tightly as trembling hands allow. He needs to be grounded, needs to feel that it was all just a dream, needs to feel safe, as safe as he can feel in this tent, in this camp, in this war. Drenched with sweat and eyes still wide and bloodshot, Bucky desperately tries to stop shaking, to find some way to convince the rest of them that he’s fine, that they can go back to sleep.

Morita’s sits silently on the edge of his cot, watching them, wondering what he could possibly say to make any of this better, wondering what he could possibly do to make this alright. Words don’t even form on his tongue, there is nothing to say, nothing that can make any of this better, there are no words that he knows that will take away the fresh fear in Bucky’s eyes that he is trying so hard to pretend isn’t there, there is nothing any of them can say.

“You’re okay.” Dum Dum insists with eyes fraught with concern. No words can help so he abandons them, choosing instead to pull Bucky into a hug. Still for a moment, too exhausted, too frightened to hug back Bucky lets his body relax in Dum Dum’s hold, let’s some of the tension drain. Body catching up with his mind, arms wrap around Dum Dum, holding as best as they can as Bucky holds on for dear life. 

The tent flap opens, and Bucky smiles over Dum Dum’s shoulder at Gabe who gave him a small smile in return. Bucky’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes and Gabe doesn’t comment, he lets Bucky pretend that the wetness on his cheeks is from sweat alone, and silently scolds himself for not being there when Bucky needed him.

Releasing Bucky, Dum Dum watches him for a moment, his arms still resting on Bucky’s shoulders, not ready to let Bucky go, not ready to let him attempt to fall back to sleep. They all know what will follow, Bucky will close his eyes and rest his head on the pillow, his fingers curling around the side, and will pretend to sleep until the others fall asleep around him, too exhausted to do anything else, and then he will sneak out of the tent, either that or sleep and wake up screaming hours later.

With a shake of his head, Dum Dum glances over at Morita before turning to Gabe, they both shrug in reply neither knowing what to do, none of them did, how could they? Bucky comforted them before they were captured, he was the one who always knew what to do, knew what to say, knew when to say nothing, to do nothing, knew how to cope when they couldn’t.

 

Soft footsteps against the bottom of the tent approach him, Dum Dum releases his grip on Bucky and Gabe pulls him onto his feet. Jacket draped over shoulders, Bucky is lead out of the tent by Gabe without a word exchanged.

“Where are we going?”

His voice no more than a breath, his question ignored, Gabe guides Bucky through the camp. Both of them are practically silent, no need for it, but Bucky knows he’s focussing, Gabe is leading Bucky through the darkness, leading him past tents, an easy route in the daylight, but at this time Gabe has no desire to lead them somewhere else accidentally.

“Oh.” Bucky breathes a few minutes later.

Heart still pounding against his chest too fast, footsteps still halted and uncertain, he knows one thing, he knows exactly where Gabe is taking him, he’s walked, hell he’s run this path hundreds of times in the last week, he knows exactly where he is going. As they pass the soldiers snoring away in their tents, Bucky wants to ask to go back, wants to convince Gabe that he’s fine, that they don’t need to go there, that he’ll sleep just fine in his cot in their tent.

But he doesn’t waste his breath, he knows what Gabe will say, so he protests don’t pass his lips, he simply lets Gabe steady him, lets him lead the way. He doesn’t have to tell Gabe to slow down, the Howling Commandos know the toll these nightmares take on their friend, know how the nightmares steal so much energy despite how hard Bucky tries to hide it.

Bucky is too tired to argue now, too tired to think so when Gabe pauses outside of the tent, he lets himself be pushed through the flap, he lets himself stagger forward, throwing a look over his shoulder, and seeing Gabe’s comforting smile before the flap falls shut and Bucky just stands there, wondering what he should say, wondering whether he could just leave now.

“Steve.” His voice is soft as he takes a small step towards the bed, part of him doesn’t want to wake Steve up, he wants to tell himself that Steve is fast asleep and just return to his tent, but as the figure stirs, he knows he can’t.

“Steve?” He repeats, slightly louder this time. Steve shuffles, eyelids fluttering open for a moment before they open fully, taking in the sight in front of him, surprised but not shocked.

“Buck?” He asks as he sits up quickly.

Mouth dry, words jumble and Bucky can’t speak. Eyes on the floor, staring at his feet, wondering when he managed to slip into his boots he avoids Steve’s piercing gaze and wonders why Gabe brought him here, wonders whether he should just leave. Gabe knows Steve can help, help in the ways the others can’t, but Bucky’s sure the Commandos don’t know what Bucky feels for the Captain. It’s Bucky’s secret, the only one he’s never told Steve, the one he never can. Not now he’s broken, not when Steve needs someone whole.

Bucky shakes his head, squashes those feels down as he shivers a little, more from the cold than Steve’s questioning gaze. He hates that he can’t control the nightmares, that he always ends up there, no matter what he does, how hard he tries to avoid them, he hates that they make him vulnerable, he hates that they come every night, slipping into his mind, spreading fear throughout his brain, his body. He’s not embarrassed, not exactly, he simply doesn’t want to be a burden, it’s his job to look after Steve not the other way around, he shouldn’t be infringing on Steve’s happiness now that he has everything he wants. Feet move without thought, taking him a step away from Steve, a step towards the darkness, away from the gaze that makes his gut twist even though he doesn’t really understand why.

“You had it again didn’t you?” Steve asks and Bucky just nods, he doesn’t ask how Steve knows about them, of course he knows, how could he not, so he just continues to stare at the floor. He wonders if Steve had to be told, wonders why Steve hadn’t mentioned it, wonders why he can’t just sleep without nightmares.

“Gabe brought me here.” Bucky whispers, not really sure what that means, not really sure why he feels the need to say it, but he frowns as he looks up at Steve, and Steve’s heart breaks, at how vulnerable Bucky looks right now.

Picking up the corner of his blankets, Steve shuffles over towards the left side of the bed, “Get in.” Bucky pauses for a moment, wanting to say how he’s fine he can just go back to bed, wanting to say that the beds not really big enough, wanting to say some much but instead he nods and follows the instructions almost instinctively, maybe cause they are coming from Steve, maybe cause he wants to, but maybe it’s something else as well. Shrugging off his coat, he drapes it on the chair before climbing in next to him.

“Just like old times huh?” Steve breathes against Bucky’s ear as he wraps his arm around his waist, pulling Bucky towards him. He would climb back to his own bed, but he needs to get some sleep, tomorrow they’re capturing Zola, who knows if he’ll have the chance to get much sleep after that.

Bucky stares out into the dark tent and despite the smart comment that he had fully intended to say, “I don’t want to go back there.” slips out instead and  he bites down on his tongue seconds too late, its already settling around him by the time he realises that he shouldn’t’ve.

He can feel Steve’s grip on him tighten, pulling him closer wanting to keep him safe, “You won’t Buck, I got you,” he whispers, wishing that Bucky had come to him earlier, wishing that his nights weren’t plagued by fear. “I’m not going anywhere.” Steve breathes as Bucky’s eyelids flutter shut and he takes a sharp breath, he doesn’t want to be scared, and he feels safe with Steve’s arm holding onto him, his scent wrapping around him, ensuring his safety. But he knows his brain doesn’t care, he will wake screaming all the same, but as Steve rests his chin against Bucky’s shoulder and twists his foot around his ankle, Bucky feels safe, safe and exhausted, and as he drifts off to sleep, he wonders what will plague his dreams now…

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote most of this a while ago, but totally forgot I had it.  
> Completely unbeta'd, so all mistakes and mine alone - comments are much appreciated!


End file.
